So today is one of those days that I actually ended up crying all the way from dropping my kids off, at the garage, in the office parking and then at my desk.
Why you ask? Because today has made me feel like I have failed as a mother. If you have ever watched the series “The Goldbergs”, I feel like I sometimes channel Beverley Goldberg when I feel like this (bar the tissues in my sleeves, because hey, that’s jeans pockets are for).
Cupcake seems to be going through toddlerhood with the usual testing of boundaries and refusal at wanting to do certain things. His growing independence is sometimes such a shocker for me, because I see him growing up so quickly that I feel if I were to blink, I would miss out. I also realize how very free-spirited he is and that is probably the most difficult part for me. Where I am a total introvert, Cupcake has become so free that he will skip, jump and dance with anyone, which is sometimes to the annoyance of some adults. It is this annoyance that I sometimes try to prevent, which is actually quite wrong of me, I saw it the other night when he was so excited at playing with other kids and seeing other people at our home, I kept trying to get him to not disrupt the adults because some of them were getting irked at him.
Yes, he gets carried away and sometimes play time gets way out of hand, so I think that I am just trying my best to show him the line between right and wrong. Like high-fiving everyone, RIGHT! Licking your hand and then high-fiving everyong, WRONG!
Then we have Dumpling who is edging between crawling and walking, that balancing phase well known as cruising, or in my mind, keeping mommy on edge. You see, Dumpling is always trying to keep up with his older brother, ultimately resulting in him getting hurt sometimes, and I would always think it was Cupcake, when I realized that he too is sometimes the instigator. Like just yesterday, I was folding away washing when I heard a crash out the play room, I dashed only to find them under the toy unit, Cupcake said it was him and then told Dumpling he was sorry. The second time, I was actually in the room, Dumpling pulled the entire unit down, hence it is now in pieces on the floor that requires no reaching to get any toys down.
So why have I failed as a mother? Because this morning Dumpling spent the entire journey crying in his car seat because he wanted to get out ( and obviously, traffic was an absolute nightmare), I tried everything to calm him and even started giving him small pieces of chocolate (#parentfail) then we get to drop him off and he is in complete tears. Cupcake is all calm at this point, with a mild meltdown this morning not to get into his carseat (which we won him over with by giving him my phone to watch Morphle #parentfail2), as we get to school, he declares that he doesn’t want to go to school. Then the book I had been asking him about all morning, whether he wants to show it to his class or not, he now wants (it is not in the car), so now its tantrum mode on. We get to the door, another parent holding it open, and he is squirming to be anywhere but there, only to get to his class and he is wrestling me not to be there because he wants to be with Superman (he literally screamed Superman and all the teachers and principal came out to check what was happening). He then hugs his teacher, albeit with tears, and I get to my car…….and start bawling my eyes out. All the way to the garage and then hey, my check engine light of my car goes on *tears,tears,tears* I stop at the garage, looking like a mess, only for the petrol attendant to say, I really hope your day gets better.
Finally got to the office, cried more at my desk, only for those who look after my children to send me pictures of happy, laughing children….. *insert more tears* you see, I think that parenthood is like one big trip that you just never figure out. This morning was a definite fail for me but hey, insha-allah, I will keep trying and hey, it will get better.
*I mean seriously, it just has to*
Always with Love & Peace