I have been teetering about this post for a while because I keep writing it in my head, but the words just would not come.
However, with it being the month of Ramadaan I thought that if ever there were a time to reflect, then now would be it. In my previous posts I have mentioned battling baby blues and how important having a support structure the second time around was to me.
My life, for as long as I can remember, has been a constant hustle, from working 2 jobs and studying full time, to working in a high pressured environment, then needing to see to things when I get home and still make time for Superman. Throw kids in the mix and you have a Class A shitstorm for someone battling with anxiety.
I constantly have to be on a mission and I am ALWAYS adding things onto my To-Do list because “what if” they needed to be done. To put things in perspective, I am constantly prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse, World War 6, or a life without Oreos. The moment that I am unprepared, throws me entirely off balance and it leaves me sitting with anxiety attacks and having to plan a Recovery Plan to get back onto plan. (Saying the word plan so many times urgh!)
The difference though is that to the outside world, I have everything in order, I still function at 100% but my mind is running with 3568 tabs open and a slow internet connection. Parenthood has thus thrown me for a loop, I previously mentioned that you need to just roll with it when you become a parent, well, it has not always been easy and sometimes still isn’t.
Things got a bit intense for me when we had Dumpling because it required more planning with less time and I was just struggling. My support structure was better though, my mom, my rock, is always able to help, along with my brothers and sisters. (Fair enough, the younger ones need cash incentive lol) but I had them yet still felt the need to do everything. In my mind, not being able to be an awesome mom, an awesome wife and be awesome at work, PLUS still be an awesome person, was just not acceptable and whether it broke me, I needed to get things done.
When I was alone with the boys and Superman needed to work, I needed to ensure that the house was clean, I spent time with the boys, showered, got them done, made supper, fed the furbabies, packed the cupboards, did laundry, ended World hunger and created World Peace all before Superman got home.
It wasn’t till it affected my relationship with my boys that I realized that I needed to slow down, or I would risk ending up with a mental breakdown or a stroke, and that scared me. I came clean with my mom and she gave me some tough love followed with some great advice, essentially I need to make some drastic decisions in my life because something needs to give for my own sake.
I started with focusing less on housework and more focusing on my boys, I will be honest, it bugged me HUGELY, I could not sleep knowing that the kitchen wasn’t clean, but I grit my teeth and instead sat and just spent the time with my boys. Lo and behold, Cupcake had less tantrums and even snuggled with me and Dumpling for an afternoon nap.
Superman, is so amazing that words alone cannot describe how amazing he is, he already helps out quite a bit, but I needed to loosen the reigns as to how he helped. It was deciding on getting it done and not also dictating how it got done. Again, I literally felt like someone was taking a cheese grater and raking it across my nerves because e.g I needed the towels to be folded horizontally!!! Like why is folding it vertically? Why doesn’t he pack it neater? Sounds silly right? But to me, needing to get my things the way I wanted it, is essential.
But, I’m getting better, some days are easier than others but I’m getting there. The kids have a happier mommy and I don’t go to bed worrying about tomorrow, yes, I think I am still prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse, but hey, we might need to stop for petrol and snacks along the way
Always with Love & Peace